DreamersNeverWin

Hey Brighterside, You Got Me Waking and Shaking Between My Legs

2010-01-17T10:24:00.002-05:00

I always said that i was finally out of my depression stage every once in awhile.
but it seemed to fool me and ambush me.

All i can do is keep holding on to the invisible force (known as hope) to keep my mind from giving up.

when you think of it, all I've done was helping my opposing mind get the best of me.
negativity was all i feed.

so now i just have to look on the brightside.
right happier tweets.
and not be disappointing.

You Have Every Right To Need Us, To Want Us, To Care For Us. Just Know That It's You And Me.

2010-01-15T23:03:00.004-05:00

Haven't wrote in a while...
For about more than a week.

Its just been a wack out month that i just want to get over with.
im not sane at the moment but i'm typing my simple mannered thoughts right now.

I've been draging myself out of being who i don't want to be.
and im glad that i didn't live up to falling into that place.
In my nature i cannot get mad at someone even when people think that i should be.
I cannot feel disappointed even when others think i should be feeling.
because i'm too... nice?
i don't like giving people negative feedback because yes... i am too nice.
but if i think you deserve it (which is 95% of the time) then you are forgiven.
My girlfriend lost a present i got her.
As much as i felt bad, she felt worst than me for sure.
I didn't react too much too it because like how she didn't want me to worry too much, I did the same in return.
I don't want to put her in any vicegrip tension because of a present that dissapered out of our lives because all i need is her. i don't want her worrying because that is just gonna have me thinking that ive done something wrong.
Honestly, neither one of us is too bame. its just the course of things.
but thier seems to be tension still.
at this point i'm not mad. as much as shes worried, on a high point she deserves everything for trying to keep us from being hurt.
i want to talk to her about it but it just doesn't seem to be the think we are good at, yet.
i sorta tired but fail which made me feel insecured about trying again.
so then i ended up talkingto her friends asking what should i do.
was that a bad or a good thing?
i'm not sure because i should be talking to her but like i said, it just seems far fetch to try again.
so i did talk to her friends as it seemed like the best option i had.
but more i did the more i drew space between me and her.
and i continue to fail.
relationships are never perfect.
relationships need their downs to be a real one.
but i can't keep my hopes low nor can i keep them high.
all i have to do is not to stop to look for the answer to the situation.

i want this tension to end. cause i dont want her taking this the wrong way as i feel bad for her, for us.

Wise In The Heart Only Just A second Ago.

2010-01-02T21:31:00.005-05:00

I guess it was just candy coated with a billion words, a million lyrics, and just one meaning.
I mean a lot of things but you can be blinded so easily at such an age.
I know i'm not close to being in love with her at all.
I just know i like her a lot and i'm fine with that.
That is the end of the question, "Am i in love with her?"
Never was i ever.
But she is still all i want...

That Past Was Like Falling Lies Waiting To Dissipate

2009-12-27T14:56:00.003-05:00

I did not think of this before.
after i talked to my bestfriend about it
***
i played into their arms knowing i wasn't able to say no.
i was never genuine to any of them.
played them carefully and being heartbroken was never in my vocabulary.
and knowing that it was only "sorta" real made it all fake.
Never had i honestly love, never had i been honest to my heart.
***

they all liked me, but i only went out with them cause i didn't want to hurt any of them.
i was too stupid and an idiot for doing so.
But now i know never again.

Sudden Shifts Suffer Something Soft

2009-12-26T15:57:00.002-05:00

I can't do anything about the changes.
I'm changing cause of my habits.
I changed my habits for the best of others that still keeps me who i REALLY am.
But now i'm realizing that who i use to be was a mess of the real me.
And now who i am (the real me) hates who i've been.

Dull Sorrow, I Want You To Know I'm Here For You

2009-12-15T00:07:00.003-05:00

I worry that everyone who has made me feel isolated from them turns my world upside down. Maybe it is their fault, maybe it's mine or it could be neither but the world itself turning blind.

Last week i was talking to a good friend of mine, she shared a story and made me realize in connection with one of my own. Guilt was written all over it. When you liked someone and you thought you have gotten over them, is it your fault than they won't just leave your head? I had no feelings for her when i'm still falling for the one i dearly hold my heart to but... Last week when i felt like i was away from my dearest one, i was drawn not by love but loneliness to the other. I felt ashame, and sorta a cheater. i can't lie and say i didn't like spending time with the other when she made me happy in that period. But it hurts me to see myself hurting my love. For a guy who cares more than any guy should, is it right? I don't care really. All that matters is that i love her, her my one and only at this point. Guilty i am, at least i feel bad and feel that i must do something about it, to fix it.

Hell With This Week

2009-12-14T21:29:00.003-05:00

I'm so aware of the stages i'm going through in this depression though i am unable to control it. I have never had the thought of killing myself but i had the thought of drawing blood from either myself or from someone else. I never had the deep thought of vandalizing and stealing but i have committed without thinking or regretting it.

It's becoming more intense...
Though I'm not giving up, I'm just becoming feed up with it.

My friends have isolated themselves from me because i have changed. Even though i have learned how to care for others and show it, i have become more selfish. My friends have turned on me because i have became opened to everyone and giving others my attention. To be honest... a few of my friends, i've been giving without getting a thank you in return. so i have shunned myself away from them. with my other friends "who care about me", i treated them like shit because i felt like shit and didn't give a damn about their feelings, they have shunned away from me. All i know is that i have changed, more selfish and open and i'm losing friends.

my bestfriend does not understand
my parents don't understand
my teachers don't understand
even the one i care dearly doesn't either.
worst of all i don't even understand...

All i know is that i want to try to be happy under my own terms. I just want to create my own haven. I just want to hear no drama for once. I just want to be beside the one i love without a corrupted mind. I just want calm moments with my best friend, and no tension between me and my friends. That's really all i want for christmas.

The Brass Revolution Has Ended The Close Minded Era

2009-12-09T22:07:00.003-05:00

Original status.

I'll try stepping out my shell- only if one is sacrifice to be used as a decoy.
I had the deepest passion for hate. My obsession with hate targeted my teachers and a few of my peers and inflicted with jealousy of love.
A "Selfish Creator". The designs of my skills were only used to exploit for my own benefits and ruin the life of others.

This Crazy Love Is Just A Steady Then It Was

2009-12-04T00:02:00.002-05:00

I'm not falling out of love of you I'm just taking a notch down finding steady ground for my crazy heart. This whole week has probably been the worst and a duplicate of hell on earth so far since the school year began. My mind was so off and i just did not know what to do or even think. In that time period i haven't been myself; I had remove myself from loving you too much to treating you less than the first day i fell for you. Good or bad thing? Is it temporary? i believe it's neutral and a temporary thing. Though the way I've been acting is because of my hellish week.

I promise that you deserve me the way that makes you happy all the time.

You Are My Everything

2009-11-27T07:22:00.001-05:00

Chocolate, money, and toys,
I can give and be your super wonder boy,
Not just stuff and things like birds above,
But you surely have my constant giving love.

Selfless and peacemaking you surely are,
I sing those words with my acoustic guitar
Beauty and sweet are those symbols of you
Just as the stars over my head so amazingly true.

You shine bright that stands out in the night,
Always gives me the ability to see with the sight.
You, a star reaches higher expectation as the sun in excite,
As you glow beautifully like the angels’ halo might.
No matter the risk, circumstances maybe
You are my light who is on the top of the world to me.

Challenging the wishes you ask me to try,
No worries and problems I’ll do my best before I die.
The kingdom, my love, and the world I abide,
For the joy I gave you remembered the tears you cried.

Many things are you, fair enough all I want to see,
Just you by my side, many days of the year would you agree.
With care and free space you just ask for time alone,
As I can give you for time between us will be postpone.
Nothing will go wrong as everything will stand strong,
We where meant to always be, you and me lock together with a key.

Everything to win you and your faith over,
I own you my heart with luck more than a clover.
Give you everything in a box with ribbons curled,
Saying I love you, that is out of this world.

Back to the Start: Now my second oldest post in twitter will give you the next hint. Find out where i last posted something like this and it will lead you to my next one.

The Price that Comes When Loving You

2009-11-27T07:21:00.000-05:00

Love comes at a big price when being with you:
1.Honesty, free speech “I sometimes lie just to keep you away from being hurt.
2.A map, so you’ll know where I am hiding from the pain that tries to pull us apart.
3.A night to remember, the cost of spending the moment to name the stars after you.
4.A straight line and only a straight line so I won’t cut corners and end up going in circles with you.
5.A clock or a watch to keep time so I won’t miss a moment without you.
6.Time, because it’s golden, the most expensive thing made out of gold.
7.A lock because I know this is for keeps.
8.Attention… (Enough said)
9.Screaming my lungs out to say I love you.
10.A dumbbell to workout, keeping my love for you strong.
11.Sorrow and regrets, to help me understand every mistake I made that you don’t like.
12.Giving you my arms, when you’re scared I’ll hold you tight.
13.My hands, when the world turns cold, hold my hands to stay warm.
14.A lifetime contact to keep the “e” in team because “U” and “I” alone doesn’t make the team.
15.A shovel to dig a hole to keep falling for you.
16.An outliner, to keep the faded memories intact.
17.Glue, to paste the petals of a flower leaving the last one “He/She loves me”.
18.A jacket to walk over your tears when you’re sad while I’m by your side.
19.My head, to rest yours next to, when you need to talk to someone.
20.A stop sign, when I stop to think to never walk out on you.

The total price of everything: Priceless.

The love that comes out of this is priceless.
Spending money on the things that make up for each point isn’t what make it priceless; it’s completing each point makes it what it its.

Toll fee for reading: One Hundred Dollars
Maw ha, ha, ha, next time be sure that everything, I MEAN EVERYTHING, is priceless.

Here I Go (Heart Beats Again)

2009-11-27T07:20:00.004-05:00

Music, I strum my guitar you love to hear, but I don’t have the voice.
Humor, I speak with joy that makes you smile but a joke it turns into a choice.
But please hear me for what inspires me is you.
Poems are my expression. I’ll let out words that are true.

It’s hard to understand my feelings to you, explaining in just words.
I need a rhythm that has harmony in a beat of thirds.
I’ll let go of the repetitive patterns sharing my mistakes,
But just staring at you gives me a rhythmical heartbeat going, whatever it takes.

I’ll tell you I went through ever Shakespeare book trying to find the words I feel about you everyday.
But they where impossible to find, my feelings are all in front of me, the one who you portray.

Willing How Much If You Love Me

2009-11-27T07:20:00.003-05:00

I just love being the purpose of your nightmare.
You fear that all I have is lust giving you signs to your despair,
Confusing the only heart that wonders how it’s unfair.
No guilt, no shame but a smirk that will purposely stain
Though not my entertainment because I chose to refrain.
Refrain from making the heaviest rainfall,
Because I know how you love when my lips intensifies under it all.
My job is to take my belongings you daily listen to,
Scared that gratitude means it’s all insignificantly construe.

My legs become so numb and fall for you.
So now I walk, walk out of the door that upsets thee.
There you stand and wonder why suppressed
Why you are dead to runaway from you damsel and distress.
Knowing how willing and strong you are
You have been with me all along not too far.
Though I have sounded to be a jerk and a half.
I'm least to being corny on its behalf.

0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 Just to Say… They Are Not Just Numbers

2009-11-27T07:20:00.001-05:00

It’s a 3, 2, 1 thing when our dreams collide
you could see it fly worldwide.
As far with 1, 4, 3, I can spill
“I love you” are the words I spell to fulfill.
Fulfill my heart worth wild it’s all a thrill,
scream my lungs out I’ll wait until.

Finding harder to run with numbers over my head
8, 3, 1 are another set I’ll walk the love scene instead.
8 letters, 3 words form the redundant saying
1 meaning makes it different from what it’s displaying.

I love you today, I loved you yesterday
I love you tomorrow, between weeks far away.
3 presents to make up for the 7 days I miss you,
5 days and 2 ends we’ll chase and pursue.
1 present per the 3 days
filling the 2 with ends is its phrase.
You and I make the complete bond,
At both ends create 3, 4 and beyond.
3 words, with 4 subjects
What’s there that will come next?

1 thing
2 do
3 words to bring
4 you
Is saying I love you.
I believe it’s true.

“Adoration” making love sound deadly
are 9 letters that do fit the love songs of Hedley.
That’s why these 6 stanzas are a drain
drain to say I love you.

0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 mean the world to me.
Not just numbers that count the days free.
But count the numbers how much I fell for you
and 0 mistakes to know it once.

Intertwined (Twilight)

2009-11-27T07:19:00.003-05:00

I am lost…
I have some trouble with myself as I drove for miles and miles.
A replaced life, just more broken smiles.
Can I live another day miserable at best?
Need a drug; it’s the anti as I am depressed.

I never thought I was so blind,
That it was me for him intertwined.
But the closer I got to him, his heart.
It felt so cold, but couldn’t resist, not to depart.
“For the record when I’m with you,
Things are looking better.
For once everything is brighter
Than the darkness before you.”
No matter the fact you are different from anyone in this world
Dance with me forever, dance and my dreams are twirled.

I’m lost. Still lost. But I’m lost with you.
I don’t care where we are.

Tap on my window, not on my door.
Standing outside where the rain pours. Pours. Pour.
Standing at the corner of my room at night,
Lay next to me, hold me tight.
I wanna touch you, you’re chest, your face.
Cold they are… your heart without a beat is warm at race.
I had you so many times but somehow I want more.
It’s an impossible need, want, desire to ignore.

Tonight I can’t imagine that you are still by my side.
Always by my side. Forever by my side

I am restless, and I keep trembling out of control.
This feeling that's overwhelming me will stroll.
Just listen to me… hear me, hear me say
Will you always love me, never throw me away.
Cause there is no way out,
I gotta hold you somehow, impossible without.

Intertwined.

Cliché Moments (Catching My Breath)

2009-11-27T07:19:00.001-05:00

Here’s the run along sentence that isn't so catchy and won’t let me catch my breath over and over again while you just keep running and running across the lines warring me down till my heart races as I fall and breathe when I pause.
When I dreamt I was afloat on a never ending horizon where you never see the end behind the sea where I can drown in a mawkish heart that isn’t yours with flaws.
Make one’s hiatus a worth wide thrill, because I am loyal to linger around you till a quiet setting.
So let the games begin, running forever, you’re the direction I follow, nonstop, don’t care if I’m sweating.
You’re making my lungs catch the moment.

"I’m Towering Down", Don’t Get Me Wrong Cause it’s All Ironic

2009-11-27T07:15:00.000-05:00

She runs away for the first time,
Slips and falls fast to the ground.
Catches her breath and dreams away,
Hard for me and just coming around.

Her dreams fade faster
Than the ink washed off in the rain.
My truths on sheets she tears over,
Kissed behind reality than on a memory lane.

Devastation of a warm heart,
Loneliness far from a flare.
Colder to catch my sickness
As the chills heat our hearts, aware.
“Hold on tightly my dear,
Stay clam and stay close
There is no need to fear
Playing the most.”

I’m towering down from high pitches,
Da ra pa pa ra pa pa pa I scream.
Sing along out loud without cliché hearts
Let’s dive away from the mainstream.

I find her to be my worst,
The worst I could possibly hate,
The one I can see hate lacks.
Unsubstantial to love that we create,
we don’t need fate.

You’re the Twist in Romance That I Don’t Mind Being Spontaneously Caught Falling Blinded Into

2009-11-27T07:13:00.002-05:00

You caught me cheating my way through school
Skipping and flaunting classes knowing I was a fool
Your tactics are so plain yet effective on me
You just smirk but one pretty smirk thy glee.
No hesitation on my behalf but a slight reply
I resume being a folly man unable to defy.

My mistake was obvious, even to one’s blind sight
Oblivious- love written all over you face, yet I could not recite.
You’re heart isn’t mine to read, unable to steal
But with an open book read half way there is more to reveal.
Turn the page and a new chapter commences
Behind close doors are tight solid fences.
Blinded love- our egos tainted in dreams
We would talk for hours, quietly flirting as it seems.

Late nights we would talk till the new moon
Masquerade like repelling magnets only during noon
Secret messages through a simple friendly glance
I would never have caught on as a simple play of romance,
But we haven’t thought of giving it a chance
Until I held you and life time was at a stance.

I’ve been left grounded on a rainy day outside
Surprised by the storm but at least alone by your side.
My mind hasn’t been this clear before
I’m lost but lost with you needing you more.
The calm pour falls on our heads more than a tear.
There’s no other place I rather be but here.

You caught me off guard slipping and falling hard.
I like it how you just fell along with me into my life.

Hey Diddle Diddle, This Love Poem Is For Her and Not For Your Riddles

2009-11-27T07:13:00.001-05:00

Breaching heads over a cloud,
I am high and screaming out loud
Not high enough as I fall through,
Falling heels over head only for you.
Reaching but losing climb,
I’m falling to words in a rhyme.

My mind isn’t settle for thoughts in a freight
I just can’t seem to think straight
But deliverance of your eyes you do me best
Lightly loving, no damsel and distress.
Distinct from the truth of itself is lust
Poetically pathetic I am unjust.
I tried to make a play of words.
Calm like the sound of chirping birds.

***

I paid the cat to give me his fiddle
To sing you a song like a riddle.
But I keep forgetting the second line
Struggling with just one simple complicated rhyme:
“We’ll run away like the dish and the spoon,
Find our "Northern Downpour" and yell out, ‘Hey-...’”
We can break free out of this rut my dear
I got a rope and a map the idea so mere.
But we can do this here and now
Let’s make the great escape it’s a vow.

I reserved before the cow that spontaneous jump
A leap to risk, no chance we’ll land in a dump.
So I dared to raise my heart beyond the moon
Cause I fell in love with your dearest little tune.

***

I am falling faster than before
Soaring… I wasn’t meant for.
The little dog I once knew
I once said “thank you” to.
Hey laugh to see such good sport
As I keep falling for you is my fort- forte

So Can We Setting the Stars and the Sun Between Us?

2009-11-26T22:53:00.001-05:00

I'm lost but Lost With You

2009-11-25T20:34:00.003-05:00

These few weeks I've been rummaging for answers. I've been digging for the right thoughts. I've been hunting for the perfect hour. Let's just say i'm so unorganized. I'm so attached to her because i feel better when she's by my side. I feel selfish but right now I'm so unreliable on picking myself up that i need her. No one else makes me feel the same way she does. I feel bad cause sometimes it seems like i don't do in return.

Flash. Give me peace
Flash. In My Mind I am broken
Flash. Give me Hope
Flash. I need to help myself

Out of everything in my mind... yesterday during my day a night-school the thought of what she said that i've been neglecting my friends after school was pretty much true. Besides everything from the newspaper club, Reel Canada, yearbook and every other event that i do after school i don't hang out with them becuase i'm always with her. Typical relationship? I love her so much that she thinks about my friends and my relationship with them. I feel so stupid. She's been their for me just like my friends and i have neglected my own friends. One vital reason why i neglect my friends is because they make me run a billion thoughts unintentionally. It just happens by nature and i totally blank out when im with them. With her it more clamming but my problem is that just one thought and out of every thought runs through my mind. "Can i make her feel the same the way she does for me?". She's makes everything easy but hard for me to give back.

Hit The High Road And Hold On Tight

2009-11-23T20:11:00.006-05:00

It's easy to fall out of love and that what scares the living crap out of me. Most relationships average on length between 3-5 weeks. I don't consider the statistics at all but when i look at my own experience i quiver under the knees. Not being in a relationship in a while isn't easy when everything seems like new. You might not remember anything but how you feel, your emotions helps you decide. I say my heart is flawlessly given up to her now and i can't depict anything wrong at any given time so far. I just don't want to judge the future or predict certain events but you need to go through hardships in a relationship to fully understand what it means to be together. We have not faced it once just yet and I'm not prepared. I'm always prepared to love her always but not prepared to withstand a vital obstacle. It scares me that i'm going to fail her, I'm afraid that i would not be able to get her through any of our future events, situations.

When it came to thought of why i like her, why we are together, why she means a lot to me... I just reminisce. I didn't fall for instantly nor did i expect that i would fall for her till i did. Her ability to make me trip off my feet and fall for her was breathe taking. And how i always feel comfortable to make her feel like shes the only one keeps us together allows me to see that we are not bullet proof but strong to not give anything up. Why i am with her is because my heart, mind, and eyes are on the same page, they don't lie. I know i'm not faking myself to be with her that i'm 100% myself and that's what i love and surely she does to.

I don't want to think of the bad future events but i want to be sure im prepared. I wanna be sure that we can do this together, that i'm there for her every step of our, her way.

I Need A Chorus, I Need A Beat. Now Send Me A Octave Higher Again Please.

2009-11-22T15:32:00.004-05:00

Gave up on Guitar.
Gave up on piano.
Gave up on drums (somewhat).
Gave up on DJ-ing.
Gave up on Rapping.
I kinda wish i just stuck with singing but i also gave up on that.

Just when i hit puberty everything when down low, and i mean down low with my voice. I loved singing and it was something i thought would distinct my talents more. Though i could be called the techy smart lazy child who can't sing. Apart from karaoke i knew i had a voice, i sang everywhere i go, when i slept and commonly in the showers. When i finally turned 12 i guess i lost it all. I hit notes like it was nothing and just natural. But when my voice change i was thrown off sorta and i lost the higher octaves that i was so used to singing. I could sing again but I'm too lazy to regain the same talent i had. So people now how well i sing but i kinda hate to admit it cause i'm the the same anymore. XD

I just wanted to point that out because i thought it was a highlight of my life.

It's Probably A Wonderful Sunday Morning Right? Damn You Drama

2009-11-22T00:57:00.003-05:00

Drama. Drama. Drama...
Is the one thing i see all over the place. It's like tag and I'm the only one being chased and i'm being chased by all sorts of drama. I really hate it. I'm totally being selfish here because it was the first thing that got me into my depression. A year i go i was jumped and badly injured to the ribs, ridiculed of my grades, and went through a love ache mess. It's surely not that big of tales for drama in your eyes but it was really the episode of my OWN self in that era.

People have told me that if i don't go through hardship and bad experience i would not be able to experience true life if i try avoiding drama. True but not true. First of all, drama is made part artificial and with flawed happiness. What do i mean? drama is created if we choose to either hurt someone, or create a situation. Drama doesn't happen without a negative atmosphere created by a human being. One last thing is that we gain most of our experience and morals through many other hardships from spontaneous events, and undestined and uninvited moments. Example: you find yourself stranded on a island and you learn to live on it. So that gives me a reason that i could live without drama.

Why live without drama? its sooo fuckin useless. I mean it's entertaining to watch other people victims of it but it sucks being stuck in the middle of it. It's a gambling game, others force you into it to gambling your feelings. You risk hurting yourself and even the ones you love, so fuck drama.

I just wanted to point it out because my world/life is once again seemingly falling into this area. I choose to ignore it whatever it takes because it ruins me. I can't be myself, i can't help others later on, and i can't move my life forward when i am in the same state i was last year. As selfish as it is i need to save myself because i am the only one who can answer it. No matter how many people (friends, family) hates me for shunning them aside, i just wish they can just put THEIR issues and concerns aside and hope me luck. Please.

So Let This Not Be The World's Tale Of a Man's Tears

2009-11-21T20:17:00.002-05:00

lately this phrase keeps crossing my mind.

"my heart sat next to me with her head leaning against mine while my past dreams was just next to her."

It might be my biggest bother yet. It's my personal drama that i don't want in my life. This personal drama scares me because without any percussion might turn into a open drama in my life.

The Season's Playlist

2009-11-21T14:19:00.003-05:00

Instead of creating a monthly play-list I've decided to change it when i feel its right to, so expect the the spontaneous changes. Another change is that these songs are not just random nor they are chosen because i decided just to feature it (at most being new). They each tell a story of my life. I'll post a blog to what most of the songs mean to me in order. So i hope you enjoy due to new restrictions and limits to my play-list.

(1) Perfect - Hedley
Their new album was just recently released with this "one hit wonder" (best song on the album in my opinion). This is all about that i try to be perfect. I don't believe that there is such thing as perfect but you can try to at least succeed.

(2) Happy The Hard Way - Every Avenue
Also just released this is a bombing hit too. The title speaks for itself (the lyrics), deeply i had gave up on a lot of things. I feel like i've changed a lot, grew more mature than what i would have expected. through my time of depression one thing kept me going, my self-encouragement and love. She was the one i thought in the end that would put my hard times to an end but that wasn't the case. I made it through my depression but ended still attach to her not doing anything. Now, i moved on and i wish i have done something. It seems to be a big gap but now I'm happy the hard way.

(4) Go - Boys Like Girls
Released a month a go and fell in love with this song just today. I guess this song explains a milestone in my life now that i know i could make it through anything. I've finally broken through holding onto things i've wasted my time. So now i just need to "Go" and live my life.

(5) Watcha Say - Jason Derulo
I guess i can't let go of my past yet. I just don't know why. I know deep inside i want to let it go but i guess there is just some unfinished business.

To be continued.

What Could Love Be My Love?

2009-11-18T19:17:00.010-05:00

It should not be that hard to know if i love "her" or not. It's sorta the same when you love your family, your closest friends and the ones you look up to- isn't it? You treat them with all your respect and loyalty. You trust them and risk more than what you would do for others. You give them plenty of attention, and know a lot about them. I guess if "she" was a multiple choice the answer would be *all of the above* to the question "you love her if...?".

I'm sure there is more to love when it comes to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I have never felt what it means to be in love before but I'm sure there is a whole different universe for it when you compare it to family and friend love.

This is what i believe love is when it comes to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship context: Love isn't like lust, it involves more commitment when it's needed and you truly sacrifice the many billion things for them. Most of the time you are flawless when it comes to being open with/to them about anything, and honestly comes from the heart. You get into fights for only the right reasons and you care for their happiness. You do not disappoint them to get your way or even for any reason and you risk what is truly needed for them.

I can't say i follow all of these. So can i say i love her?

Love is one of the hardest words to say when you mean it. And duh- it's hard to say when you don't know how it feels to be in love. But if love is everything that i have said then i'm sure i love her, just more than enough to want her, to make her happy. I can believe i love her because when she smiles at me, i smile back notably knowing it's real (no secrets and no lies between us). i Know it's real because i want to make her smile everyday because i know it sucks when she is sad. I can believe i love her because my world is at a standstill for her when she needs me the most. I really can turn my back from her but surely i chose not to. I want her far from loneliness by her side when she needs me.

Love is generalize as a deep word that's hard to say. But if it's really that hard to blurt it out i guess i just really like her to be doing everything for her. Or maybe love just comes in many forms and that i do- that i really love her "for you a thousand times".

Falling Unware and Unprepared

2009-11-12T23:40:00.001-05:00

I've fallen in many gaps known as a pot hole.
Today I predict it will rain and i will fall into a puddle.
It won't be the causal cats and dogs type of rain.
But more of a love struck arrow pain.

Falling is the typical feeling when you love someone.
But the feeling after falling into something is the real fun.
Like I'll fall into a puddle filled with confusion but plenty of bliss
It's gonna be the best place to be in for a moment like this:
"When you love her, you love her so
there is no other place you want to go
When you dance to a song you both know
each moment is like a steady breathe you take in so slow."

But...
That's just my theory that i believe
Love is all about the fall and after the fall.
The fall is something you can't turn back until it ends
and after the fall is where the love transcends.
In those moments you will fall scared
When you are unaware and unprepared.

Even if falling like that is how i feel
I know my heart is for her to steal.

The Past is Your Worst Enemy

2009-11-07T23:06:00.004-05:00

My past has inflicted with me more than once, maybe two times recently. So here is my story:
I guess i would say I've been flirting too much for the last couple of years or just avoiding my chances with the opposite sex. There was this one time that i would have not called it an opportunity but a break from the clouds to find the sun lurking for love. This break was the thing i believed i needed. This break was the girl i felt lift myself from the worst of me, selflessly making her content.

Event of past intersecting my present life #1:
I have never been rejected, nor never felt or knew what rejection was until grade 10. I never really played it too safe, i just knew what i was dealing with. My grade 10 story was about a girl that i thought i liked ( we talked quite often, and were becoming good friends) but then it was more of unrequited love was that the message i received from her when she found out i liked her. She stopped talking to me and i found out from one of her friends that she didn't like me at all. It was heart shattering, unblissful, and love locking down. Scene that day i avoiding ever making another move on a girl.

That's when i met that break. She was everything i thought i could love but i feared love. My past was dragging me down. Even though i liked her, my heart feared everything, all that had to do with love, liking that one girl more than a friend. So i made no moves, she made no moves and that got us no where. My past at fault has brought me to avoid the present at that time.

Event of past intersecting my present life #2:
The lust from that one girl who i thought made my whole world lasted a year. Since it was going no where cause of my issue, i gave up. When i gave up, i guess love had more plans for me. I was so blinded when i liked the girl (my break) another lust was building up obliviously. Since the closing end of school, i started to fall for this new lust more and more until it my the heart and eye of my attention. This new lust turned into my actual happiness was all i ever wanted and now it is. Though there is a problem.

I thought when i fell for the happiness, her, i thought i was finally over with my last thought to be break. But now she is still stuck in my head but has nothing to do with love but i'm feeling revenge. As much as a love my new her, i'm afriad i hurt another, my so called past.

"Do You Feel", "So Much Love". "I'm Doing Everything For You"

2009-11-01T14:15:00.004-05:00

honestly.

i thought i was gonna loose my mind, i thought i was gonna have too much on my mind, i thought i was gonna think it over too much... she made it sound, feel, and act like we got nothing to lose. every girl that i had fallen for had something different. comparing everyone else to her, my mind seems to be more at ease. In so many ways from knowing how she feels about me, to how her smile is more contagiously sinful than finding a million dollars. one thing im sure is that i can be myself around her without trying so hard to make things work out, for myself, for myself, for myself for her. just being myself allows me to settle the sun and the moon to brighten the world for her, it allows me to smile more often without faking and lying to her. I'm glad to know that she makes me happy but content and stress free to know shes happier.

I Can't Stick To Holding One Brand Of An Ice Cream Flavour

2009-10-03T00:55:00.003-04:00

Genuine...
I must be completely be off if that is what i believe that i am.
I'm not really two faced. I just like it giving an intentional misconception of myself.
I'm a book with scrambled text on every page.
I can admit to who i am because i don't entirely know myself.
I can be impulsive or patient, shy or talkative, lazy or committed, understanding or selfish.
I just don't know who i am really.
I guess generally i am all at different times.
Though i don't think that's the type of personality that fits me.
cause everyone becomes confuse as they are use to seeing one brand of my personality most of the time.

Honestly i just don't know what to do.

I've Been Falling Out of Alignment

2009-09-30T23:11:00.002-04:00

With the last couple of weeks i've been off track getting use to the new school year. My new poems have grown dull, i really don't know what i'm writing in my blogs, and hardly any worth reading post. I've actually have made it out of my depression stages (looking forward to a mid-life crisis. naw, just joking) and i've never been happier since i cried happy tears about the cookie cake i got for my 16th birthday. I've overcome this almost-one-year battle through a few cahnges: taking the courses i love and that does not stress me out this year, working out almost everyday to keep myself active, and taking risks that are worth making.

I'm sure that i'm ready to start a new and brighter beginning.

I Always Believed In The Liar But Only Today I Believe The Lair Is Telling The Truth

2009-09-27T23:01:00.005-04:00

I have no facts. Just theories.
But I'm hoping that my voice could get it right
whisper what i believe is the truth...
You could crush me, but please don't crush me
because darling I'm a dreamer.

Everything about you makes me believe we can be together.
I can see you by my side watching what we make of the sky in fair weather.
If we shoot the moon we can spectate a war between colliding stars
writing our constellations with the strobbing lights from here to mars.

So i'll continue to believe the liar.
Only if i believe it will get me to what i desire
As I wanna keep on dreaming but that's completely selfish of me.
It's my one wish to keep me away from thee.

Who You Want To Be

2009-09-24T06:38:00.002-04:00

My Intensions Are Wasted On The Unprepared

2009-09-23T20:21:00.004-04:00

Don't not read if you don't care anything I say and do.
yeah. just helping you save the time.
why would i even bother to say don't?
anyways...

------

I have not wrote a poem or lyrics for a song in a while plus no new blog since the beginning of this week. I finally thought of writing one and went through my binder/book of poems. I found stuff i wrote way back from grade 9 up to know. It's just interesting seeing these poems how much i grew and i can't believe three more years of my life pasted already. I've wrote many from different holidays, hard moments, inspiring thoughts, teen epics, growth and love.

***
I found one poem that i have wrote not too long ago. It was about this girl i like. I guess when i write a love poem i have one girl in mind and write it for them. Usually i don't give or recite it to them, they are just the inspiration. This poem that I've wrote was written in one day not with all my heart but enough to really mean it a lot and i actually wanted to give it to her. A friend had pushed and encourage to help me out with my girl problems. I was writing a poem for a talent show and she was going to be their, for that reason I didn't want to make one. My friend told me, "if you really like this girl don't let her fall pass by you, catch her so she knows she could be falling for you". I felt that i could not let this chance swing by me so I did. I wrote it during my free time we i could and i worried every second that i was not gonna finish it in time for her. An hour before the show i was completely done with it revised with all precise effort and care.

I was afraid of what she was going to think of it. Was she going to think it's stupid? What if she finds out but she doesn't feel the same? How is this going to change everything? When it was my turn i looked over at her and she was looking back. i was scared as hell. First I explained what the poem was about...
and this was what i said...
and what i said was not what i intended to say...

"I wrote a love poem about a girl..."

I didn't bother looking at her.

"I couldn't find ways to explain why i liked her verbally so i wrote them down in a poem and-"

I was nervously shaking with tension in my hands. I was gripping on to the paper hard tugging like i was going to rip it in half.
slowly and calm with a slight pause i grabed a sheet of paper from my back pocket and said...

" i wrote this and recited it to last years show. I thought this came from the bottom of my heart so why not share it with you guys."

So i shared a different poem from last year.
It was my backup plan, an old poem not intended for her.
I couldn't recite it to her, tell her i like her at that moment.
For two reasons that i was not prepared to let it go and it didn't seem like the appropriate time.
***

Ever since that day i have not told her. the poem was left the same way with the same words and the same way that i feel about her up to now. I'm just waiting for the moment even if she fell by my already, I'm going to make sure she doesn't hit the ground.

It's the Unaware Part

2009-09-20T16:01:00.004-04:00

It's some kind of unusual tension built between my mind and my heart. It's like you where being handcuffed to pole while the house your are in is on fire. You don't know what to do even if you try to think quick. It is hard to make up my mind.

I'll admit that she wasn't the first to make me feel this way (stutter to make a move), though i want her to be my first to break this cycle. I've said it so many times to myself about every girl i liked that shes going to be the one I'm going to make the move. It never happens. I'm so pathetic because I'm so cautious about myself, i mean i let my doubts get the best of me when i know that my heart can take it. I'm so aware but yet so oblivious to try.

I Slide Left She Drift Right

2009-09-17T06:48:00.004-04:00

Grade 6 was my laziest year.
I just didn't try at all.
I got through my troubles but still had the attitude of a no life kid.
Probably when my teacher paired me up with one of my classmates to help me out, it might had took a spin and saved me.
She was one of my friends.

She was smart, and had her goals organized.
Whenever we had out sessions during recess, I told her, "just make it seem like you taught me to make out lives easy."
She told me after three sessions, I changed since grade four and i acted like a total loser.
I didn't know if she was serious but usually we joke around... this time she didnt laugh or smile at all.
I was up front and told her, "its because i always acted nice around you and you never saw the real me."
"Well, to bad. The, i guess... fake you was sooo much like the adrian that seemed real to me."
I was like... "I'm sorry. Truthfully i'm sorry. I'm honestly a mess."
"Well to bad. cause you have to get use to me not being your friend teaching you math if you keep acting like that."
"Fine, I will."

We spent hours weekly.
even after school, she kept me hostage.
She was doing this for better marks in the class and to help out a friend.
But she seemed to have been slowly crushing on me.
She would never give up on teaching me as much as i wasn't willing to learn math.

At this time I liked this other girl that i hung out since grade 5 and she liked me back.
I just never bothered to ask this girl out cause I was scared of asking girls.
This girl waited in the playground after school with her other friends for me as i would walk her pass my place and showed the girl my bunny she loved.
As i finished a session i would walk my friend out and then tell her, "see you tomorrow again" and run off with the girl.
I thought it made her jealous later on.

After every session she would start asking questions about life.
I would tell her.
I told her who I liked.
And she didn't tell me who she liked cause she liked me.
She would tease me about it saying, "You're too dumb to know who he is."
and i would get mad.
but i didnt even guess it was me.
but then i slowly started falling for her.

She taught me so much that i became a smart ass in math.
and we where done out sessions by the end of December.
After the break i would walk her home instead of the other girl.
And it would be almost every day.
Even though we didn't continue anymore sessions we hung out a lot.
And i wanted to tell her i liked her but i was afraid of how she would react.
So i didnt tell her and then i found out...
She was moving at when school ended.
I was afraid that i wasn't gonna tell her but i knew i would never tell her either way.
and that's when she moved.

So that was it...
I thought that was done...

One day, one my close friends told me someone liked me.
And i never guess it would be the one girl i liked.
But it was...
My friend told me she wanted to tell me but she was afraid of how i would react.
I told her...
"Wow, does she really?"
I didnt want her to know i liked her back and just left it like that till grade 10.

Masquerading Multi-Mesmerizing Moments

2009-09-16T21:11:00.002-04:00

Seeking excitement within memorable events.

Slumber Between Naps

2009-09-14T21:26:00.007-04:00

The more a girl has in common with me, a chance i might fall for them which I'll try to pretend to have the least things in common to them. It's a hard curve ball and a self defense with fear tied in a knot at the end of it all. I'll do this to prevent falling for a girl or just make them think i don't like them which coming back to one of my post makes it had for me to like someone more than a friend someone. Why might i do this? Because it's fear that i fear when it comes to love. What if you fall for a girl before you even fall? Now that is the scary part.

It's either I become in denial that I like them or I try to avoid them at all cost. One reason: "I don't believe in love at first sight and i do not believe love comes blind when you don't know them at all". You cannot win a girl if you always beleive in this... so you are basically screwed and probably be lonely for the rest of your life. I finally learned this when i feel for one girl who i really did not know and practically did not want to like at first... Over time while trying to distance myself away from her i just could not do it anymore. I could not do it anymore because i was just fed up but she was not meant to be a victim of my "heart and games".

Oath to Style Out of the Mainstrem Strings

2009-09-09T23:40:00.001-04:00

Sometimes Knowing Too Much Is Good For You When It Comes To Music

2009-09-08T19:19:00.003-04:00

Panic! At The Disco
--------------------
With only two members left in the band as of September 2009 it might be scary what their upcoming album will sound like. With the twist of Brendon Urie's lyrics came a crowed mobbing their way to saying, "WTF is this? it sounds good". Not many understood any of the lyrics in their debut album, hardly one person fully understood what each line meant that Urie was trying to say. Along with their second album came something pretty odd. Ryan Ross (member who left the band) took favor in writing many of the songs in the second album which actually made sense. The down fall came a new sound that was not bad at all which the fans only just wanted the sound of the debut album understand the lyrics. Not knowing fully what the third album will become fans are questioning. Hopefully it will be the sound of thier classic songs with a be more of understandable lyrics.

Must Been Around A Likely Possiblity

2009-09-07T23:28:00.005-04:00

Mood: WTF

So i was doing 20 questions and it's sooo much fun. Basically you are challenging a computer (the website) to guest what or who are you thinking. They ask you questions and if they guess the correct answer under 20, they are genius. It's totally insane and the person i was thinking of was cassadee pope and they got it at 17 questions, whoa =o

Q17. I am guessing that it is Cassadee Pope ?
Right, Wrong, Close

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
16. Do you have tattoos? Yes.
15. Do you perform Rock music? Yes.
Do you have dark hair? Unknown.
14. Are you often criticized? No.
13. Are you tall? No.
12. Have you ever won an MTV Music award? No.
11. Do you play the piano? No.
10. Are you European? No.
9. Do people write about you? Probably.
8. Does your name end in a vowel? Yes.
7. Do you wear strange costumes? No.
6. Are you in a Western? No.
5. Do you play an instrument? Yes.
4. Was your big break on a TV show? No.
3. Do you wear makeup? Yes.
2. Are you a singer? Yes.
1. Are you young? Yes.

IF you want to try it for yourself here is the website: http://www.20q.net/

Cupid Knows I Hid My Heart In the Thundra Dirt

2009-08-25T16:24:00.005-04:00

Mood: Confused

I would never know what being in love really means when I'm so good at keeping my heart locked up. It never made sense why i could confront any girl i just met from a girl i liked more than a month until i realize its not just about being in love. I'm not 100% in "fear" in letting someone know i liked them but i just don't like expressing myself.

I'll be honest, I'll keep Playing A Game I Know I Will Lose To Be A Sore Loser.

2009-08-24T20:15:00.007-04:00

Mood: Pissed and and confused

Realizing my late stages through my depression, i was relief that i was feeling more happy and... impulsive. Though i knew, i just could not control my anger and something i never understood, hate. I started listening to more screamo and metal music than ever and on top of that, my uncle bought enough drinks for the adults on my brothers b-day party, not sober that night and morning. But the drinking didn't stop, 4 different family parties that week with more drinking evolved. I was enjoying a careless week.

Then experiencing hate came the next week. It started off with my best friend, i tried my best not disappointing her but its not easy. Going through a difficult year you think people would understand you but that is not that case. I take fault for getting myself in a stupid situation.
Then my parents where another, the sacking off and low grades have made my dad a titan you don't want to mess with. My mom has defended me, she takes the blame and my dad takes his anger for my faults on her. Then as innocent and kind my mom is, i feel guilty and i could not take it, letting her down. My dad is a good father, it's just when you don't do your share, discipline is a lesson to be learned.
Then my brothers, when I'm drunk and not myself i act like a asshole and idiot to them. They don't know i drink cause i do it behind there back so they think i act like that cause i just like to. Maybe i do cause being drunk lets out my true feelings.

In all these cases, there has been similar situations I've gone through already. You think i have learned to avoid them but i have not. I just do it cause i know i can win through my own mistakes. When will i ever learn...

2009-08-17T02:13:00.001-04:00

I don't take rainchecks, I'm just a late catcher. Just keep falling cause I promise... I'll catch you soon.

Recklessly Abundant In The Form of Compulsory Brain Damage

2009-08-16T15:44:00.005-04:00

Mood: Sleepy and sober/clean

Everyone questions themselves...
They may question how they were born where they are under nationality into what family, out of the millions of sperm why them? May question there sexual orientation, or how they feel for others, love or hate. Or sometimes we question when we close our eyes will we walk towards gates into another world? under our faith is there a future?

I've been or witnessed these questions... But one question boggles me the most. "How come the way i think is the way i think?"

Over the last few years, I've heard people talking about how smart i am... Though i love excepting something like that i hate and regret it everyday of my life. All i think is being free and not giving a dayyumm what others think about my life. ALL i think is how i come i fell apart at such an early age and now i just started realizing and now making I'm up for it? "Now i look around to see the ground beneath my feet" this is the soil that i will never escape.

Apart from thinking...
How come my mind works as it is?
How come poetic lines fly out? Original, yet so pure in similarity.
Why do i stutter through thoughts?
How come i dream constantly?
Why do i question sooo much, why soooo often?

These are things in my life i live with everyday. I'm not so completely different from being so completely different than everyone. Though i'm still completely different. Think about how your life... It helps work yourself for the future, sets priorities, and gives you a view on many things. Trust me. Question yourself.

Sometimes We Drain the Bucket To Wash Away The Blood

2009-08-14T00:51:00.002-04:00

Along with my witty personality comes a heavy emotional who is very soft hearted. I am carefully emotional of other peoples feelings.

クッキー

2009-08-13T17:56:00.001-04:00

Another Calling

2009-08-12T20:41:00.002-04:00

What i post are my past and present problems as of what i see so far. Being the dreamer who never wins carries a negative energy and i think i need to change it up- soon.

It's By Chance That I fell In Love With You?

2009-08-11T23:39:00.010-04:00

Lately the song "Catch me" by Demi Lovato has been stuck in my head and been over played again and again. I started writing a song (which i have not done in a while) inspired by it and hopefully i will turn out into an actually song with a symphony in the background of the lyrics.

The song reminded me a lot about the hardship in romance. We can encounter many problems when it comes to love and the biggest issue is ourselves. It's like falling in love with a cupcake and deciding if you should eat it or not and then you have mental conflict with yourself. In fact with the game of playing it safe, zero confidence in love hence trusting our hearts makes love on the battle field a hard thing to win.

The zero confidence thing as well as my personality has put me in a position that holds me back from relationships. It's easy to find a girl attractive but i find it hard to like them more than a friend anytime sooner. When someone gives me a first impression (when it comes to personality) it's hard for me to see who they are the first time. My taste holds me back from falling for a girl instantly which it takes some miraculous event or a long time share on a cookie trust with her. =)

So my story today is about my selfish ego personality, coincidence and love.

After going through a stage of understanding how rejection felt like, i was still recovering from it. I felt like not falling anyone anytime soon or that's what i thought:

3 months into school I was sitting in my class where i had not engage in talking to anyone. It was killing me and i knew i couldn't live another week there. Weeks before the Christmas break we had to do a mini project involving our favorite song. We had to pick a song we favour a lot and describe what the lyrics mean and present it in front of the class. I decided on a song that i had listened to all summer at first but it just didn't feel right so i picked one of my all time favourite songs.
The next week we started presentations and it was interesting hearing what was everyone's favourite song in class, it also gave a bit of the personality of others. Their was just one girl who caught my attention. The song that she picked was a song that i had decided at first and it just spark a jolt in my mind. I wasn't surprised, it just caught my attention in a low spontaneous level until it was my turn. As i walked up to present i was soon to be more surprise. When it was my turn to explain the song I favoured i heard that same girl say that the song i picked was a song she decided at first. I was at the point of being mortified not knowing if it was good or bad. obviously it's not a bad thing but it was just freaky.
When i presented i kinda froze and just winged it stuttering and hesitating every word with a nervous tension in my mind. I kinda made up stuff as i went along feeling embarrass if my classmates, epically her knew that i was making stuff up. I guess i was going to have an interesting year in that class.

It was just a coincidence that we had chosen two of the same songs but at the same time I was interested in her. Was i starting to fall for her? Well i wasn't at the time but after time grew it was free falling for me. One problem was that i hardly knew and never really talked to her. From being the type who did not fall for someone who i did not know, i know that it was possible to fall for anyone now. But any who... She did not know that we both picked two songs that where exactly the same. I guess i was stuck with knowing the truth and falling for her just felt right.

Listening to:
Catch Me [Demi Lovato]
Two Days Old [Cash Cash]

I'm Your Getaway and A Little More Than You Can Take

2009-08-11T21:37:00.006-04:00

For someone who likes expressing himself and loves their real personality, I've been hiding it real well. From the poem "Doppelgangers Lack Hearts and Yet I've Been Threaten With Two Personalities" explains who i am- i mean who we are (Me and Myself). I just love being so mysterious about my life, who i really am, making it a puzzle game to others to figure me out.

So here's in detail who i am really like:

- What everyone knows:
I am shy, really really shy... i hate confronting people that i don't know cause I'm afraid of what they think of me.

What everyone doesn't know:
I just don't confront people cause i hate making an impression first hence being so mysterious. I like people confronting me to see what impression they give to me.

--------------------------
- What everyone knows:
I completely listen to rock pop, alternative punk.

What everyone doesn't know:
My brand of taste that is native and comes biologically is pop, rap, hip-pop and R&B. As well, i listen to techno and trance.

--------------------------
- What everyone knows:
I'm a good boy who doesn't do bad shit. Isn't a pot head and just a sober angel.

What people don't know:
The good boy isn't always good. May get into physical fights (no jokes), doesn't smoke... tried but hated it. Weed, just a phase, and drinking... I don't like telling people but i love drinking, makes me more careless (worry less = no stress). Most of the time i'm calm and relax when i'm off with it or sometimes i can be a bit... yeah. I act like i dont care cause i love being the good kid. =)
--------------------------

So that a few things about me that a lot don't known. Find out a few more next week. The only thing i ask is keep these things to yourself. I don't mind if you don't but don't fully exploit it.

Though I Still Have My Doubts I Am Damaged at Best

2009-08-10T22:57:00.003-04:00

Rejection is a bitch... The fact i have not gotten over it makes it even harder. It's hard living through one when you like a girl/boy so much but they don't feel the same. Its not as bad as a break up but its still heart breaking. In fact that we all intentionally do our best to avoid it we need to experience it just like it is essential to love and hate others.

Here's a personal fact, every girl i liked had liked me back so i never ever really faced rejection till a few months ago. It was just coincidence that they had liked me or is it? (next post about coincidence). I had never felt rejection even though i played it safe because the instinct gave me a feeling it was something painful before it ever happens. When i finally experienced it the horrid feeling was much needed to grow out of innocence into someone more mature. Pathetic to express and understand something uncommonly shared its just another story of my life.

One self-confidence lesson i learned was that not every girl you will like will like you back. I just thought that i would always fall off that apple tree into the hands of someone who likes that taste of me.

Reflected songs:
Broken [Lifehouse]

A Matter of Reinventing a Lost Chap

2009-08-07T20:49:00.011-04:00

After my depression episode/period I've been very unstable but trying my best to act like who i was before. It's heard treating my parents like parents, its hard bossing my brothers like before, and acting like a friend to my friends. Just like my friends to others I've been a bit random than before and more impulsive to them. I really don't want to tell anyone what I'm going through but its hard... Its hard cause your friends won't really listen the way they need to because our society is more much selfish that it is said to be.

My Depression isn't the common kind where thoughts of suicide come into play or i just need my alone time. I have grown to hate, and look for fights. Much more selfish than usual and don't give a damn what others think now.

I'm still in stages of this period and i know if it is not getting any worst thought its not getting any better. I just need to rest up and avoid any stressing or unwanted plans. Though its hard to keep myself from acting normal when I'm the type of person to say yes.. "THE YES MAN" which causes stress. What my parents say when i don't want to is killing me, to earn there respect is hard because its stressful when i need to recover from being so tense. Commitment with my friends are getting harder. I'm starting to lose them or they make me feel guilty holding a grudge if i don't a agree or commit with there plans.

It's killing me slowly... who to put first, others or me? If i put others first i might hurt myself mentally and maybe physically soon. If i put myself i might lost everyone and myself in everything.

Listing to while writing this post:

Coffee Break- FTSK
Catch Me - Demi Lovato
Cop Car - FTSK
So Far So Great - Demi Lovato

The Dreamer Never Wins

2009-08-05T22:27:00.004-04:00

Here is a lovely story that isn't all true about my life:

One day a boy named Adrian went off to school and all he ever did was sleep through class. He would dream, dream BIG about almost anything! Through dreaming he never focused on his education and work. And he later on became a utter failure. What he would dream about is he would succeed in a goal. Though just dreaming about it got him on a one way trip to failure ville.

Now the dreamer never wins at anything. Cause dreams never meet reality- or do they?

Adrian was slowly starting to realize what was going on. In a steady downfall just his dreams were putting him in a bad state. When he was dreaming, he thought of everything- everything his dreams needed to get him to his goal in life. From doing and thinking big within his dreams he applied it in reality. What he had done would have never had happened if he was never a big dreamer.

The dreamer never wins when all he does is dream. But when dreams meet reality, the outcome can be brilliant.

Listened to while blogging:
6 Months [Hey Monday]
Knocks You Down [Keri Hilson]
Energy [Keri Hilson]

Lovebug

2009-08-05T11:25:00.000-04:00

1. Put your iTunes/Ruckus/Napster/etc on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

What is your motto?
Still Around – 3OH!3

What do your friends think of you?
White – Lights <-- LMAO!!!

What do you think of your parents?
Halloween – Meg & Dia

What do you like in a guy/ girl?
Sober - Pink

How do you feel today?
Whatever You Like – T.I.

If someone says "is this okay? you say?
Keep Your Head – The Ting Tings

How would you describe your personality?
Shadow Play – The Killers <-- So True

What is your life`s purpose?
Hoedown Throwdown – Miley Cyrus <-- LOL!

What do you think about very often?
Boston (Midwest Skies and Sleepless Mondays) – Agustana

What is 2+2?
He Wasn’t There – Lily Allen

What do you think of your best friends?
Dear Maria, Count Me In – All Time Low

what do you want to be when you grow up?
It Ends Tonight - The All-American Rejects

what do you think when you see the person you like?
Northern Downpour – Panic! at the disco

what do your parents think of you?
Your Own Disaster '04 – Taking Back Sunday <-- Wow nice to know.

what will you dance at your wedding?
Us Against the World – Mitchell Musso

what do you think of the person you like?
Whoa Oh! (Me vs. Everyone) (feat. Selena Gomez) - FTSK

What is your life story?

End Of Time - eleventyseven

What will be your last words before you die?

I'm Doing Everything (For You) – The Rocket Summer

what will they play at your funeral?
I Just Laugh – Never Shout Never

what is your hobby/interest?
Bleeding Love/The Great Escape – Nickasaur!

what do you think of your friends?
Stop Crying Your Heart Out – Oasis

what the worst thing that could happen?
Shortie Like Mine – Bow Wow

how will you die?
The Saltwater Room – Owl City

what is the one thing you regret?
Homecoming - Kanye West

does anyone like you?
I'm Yours (Acoustic) – Jason Marz

if you could go back in time, what would you change?
Lion Hat – Unicorn Kid

what hurts right now?
Untouched (Unplugged) – The Veronicas

what makes you laugh?
Should've Said No – Taylor Swift

what makes you cry?
What It Is To Burn – Finch

will you get married?
Call It Off – Tegan and Sara <-- Whoa!!

what scared you the most?
Hot N Cold (Rain Factory Club Mix) - Katy Perry

what will you post this as?
Lovebug – Jonas Brothers

How Did This Night Became the Enemy

2009-08-04T15:30:00.000-04:00

Since my old blogging spot was rusty and wayyy wayyy too personal, i have made this more public-ish. These new and improve blogs that i am able to post are still gonna be personal but more welcomed so i don't mind whacha read.

***

I have two parts to this story:

Part 1: The Mental Fall.

My darkest hour in my life was not really a hour but a couple of months was when my grades were slipping hence the skipping classes because i felt recklessly abundant of life. Just this year, the beginning of september i questioned myself what the fuck am i doing with my life? I did not know what to do. I started shunning a few of my friends and lucked out on a few opportunities on getting back on a clean sleigh from disaster.

Before falling apart had happened my life was so easy and seemed perfect, for someone who has never broke down or had never thought of letting himself lose it.... No human being can escape a dark moment in there life. I was starring with improved grades from sacking off in elementary school and the genius at hand was starting to show. I was gonna be golden and start showing some High A's again. I showed a lot of emotional breakdowns in the late stages of my down skid regretting the lost of a rising underdog.

I've learn through different experiences of others and epically my own to cope and stick positive.
All you have to do is take the hand of others and runaway to the place we wanna break free to.

***

Songs Reflected:
Take My Hand Remix [The Cab feat. Cassadee from Hey Monday]
Enjoy the music video of the song.

I have this crazy crush on Cassadee Pope =)

My Apologizes

2009-08-03T23:26:00.000-04:00

Sorry to inform you that this will not be your typical blog. I have deleted all of my older post from "Lyrically Devoted" and started all over again. From now on you will be given something out from the mind of the creator "DreamersNeverWin" in the form of words, pictures, videos, and links. All these blogs will reflect my life with reality, dreams, and a black-hole of ideas in a story. As well each blog may reflect one or more songs.
So be prepared without being absentminded...

To be consistent of the theme "Apologies" here is my first:

Sorry that this isn't who I'm trying to be.
Sorry that i was just trying to stop the bleeding.
Sorry but my arm is in a wreck trying to hold this all together.
I'm sorry that I am the type to say sorry constantly...
I heard many times what is the point to say sorry so many times when surely you do not mean it after the first.
But honestly everyday I am sorry.
So I'm sorry.

Songs reflected:
- Ice [Lights]
- Every Day [Ten Second Epic]